Remember to breath out

–I started the day with a beep beep as my iPhone received another set of unwanted emails. 150 showed this morning. So I spent the first 8 minutes of my day, unsubscribing from 10 of the sites that send me stuff I never look at, but once may have followed into a rabbit hole on an internet shopping binge.

In a productive curve, (apparently, this is something to do with day 1 of my cycle) I dreamed of purging 10 unwanted subscriptions from my email every day for a week. I’m sure by the end of it, I would be happier for the organisation, to feel like one of those women that declutter and minimalise. I like the thought of this much more than I have the inclination.

I then argued with my teenager about preferring he crossed at the traffic lights on his way to school rather than increasing his risk for getting injured or killed on the road. This was apparently an unreasonable request, even for this jaded ED nurse who became a nurse, after as a child her cousins young friend was killed on the road and her cousin spent a prolonged time in the ICU after a hit and run. ( I used to do deals with god as a child. If I became a nurse it ment that my cousin, Chris survived his ordeal. He did, I did, so were square on this one). The argument progressed to the parenting stand off stage, where I removed my toys and refused to argue with the child that was trying to convince me that crossing a busy road at a particular junction, somehow magically turned it into a quiet road with only 2 cars every 10 minutes. I even through science at him, advising that his under-developed frontal lobe was responsible for his inability to correctly assess risk. Turns out this is tantamount to telling him he is brain damaged. My persuasion and debate skills are clearly lacking this morning.

Today is results day, its always pants, it’s been 9 weeks since the last scan and nervousness has been nibbling at the general patience level for a week. If patience was a packet of digestives, only a few broken biscuits would remain in the packet. (Most likely cause I have nervously eaten them all this week) It seems particularly important today. We have a fabulous family wedding celebration in a few weeks, were also approaching our 20 years anniversary together. As well as the 1 year since diagnosis milestone. Everything is always crossed, but this time I’m extra crossing. Having arranged her wedding around various cancer treatment regimes, school holidays and performance schedules, I would at least like to give the bride to be, a little less to worry about on her big day. In reality, I hope she (nor the rest of us) never had to worry about it, but that’s not the way it is.

The husband has gone off to yoga, I’m walking the dogs on the beach and today we find out how long we are able to breath easy for. Was it yesterday or is it for another 9 weeks? Staying in the moment is hard on results day.

This Sunday I will tell some of our story at a “stories from the heart” storytelling event in Perth. All proceeds to cancer council, so it felt like the right time to do it. I’m even singing Karaoke for the first time ever this Friday in preparation. I assume that once Ive sung in solo in public, that telling my story in a room full of story collectors shouldn’t be so tough. I did a run through last night and realise how far we have come already on this journey. From the” earthquake of diagnosis”, where we survived minute to minute. Now we make plans for months ahead, something that would have felt impossible in December last year. Colin remains well, looking in better shape than many of his colleagues who continue to spend there days in the windowless dungeon of the Emergency Department. We have provided permission for workaholic friends to take a step back, drink the extra coffee and consider the early retirement we have adopted so easily. We are doing many of the things that others put off to retirement. Sometimes we let the kids eat dessert before dinner and worry less about future careers and more about being present and current happiness. We treasure the cups of tea in the sunshine and try to remember to breath out as well as in.

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